Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
