i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
