theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
