Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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