chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There are leaves in my underwear?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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