i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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