You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
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Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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