and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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