I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
