my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My bed is full of blood and feathers
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
