I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
