I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
