First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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