chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
