I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Randomize
