Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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