I'm eating all of the evidence.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
third nipple confirmed
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
