a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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