I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
