Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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