I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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