You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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