true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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