New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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