He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
