Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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