Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
