Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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