You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
