are you still at the devil's house?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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