mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
