I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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