I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
