not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
