you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
