don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
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Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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