I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
