She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
