just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
