I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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