the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
