Where did you get a picture of my penis
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
