3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
