his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
