If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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