Im at strip club and am horny
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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