Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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