I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
