There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
