What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
