There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
