Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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