you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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