This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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