just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
