you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
