so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
