Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
