My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
